I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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