He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
