Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
