tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
