You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
