Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
