I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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