He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
