my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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