I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
