lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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