It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
