This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
