I got chris browned last night
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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