2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
