Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
