what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
