i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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