You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
