You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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