smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
