Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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