I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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