I think scott just propositioned me for sex
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
