I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i will never coherently bang her
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
