Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
