I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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