Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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