He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
