I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
