We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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