so explain again why im purple
no
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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