I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
