woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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