I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
