I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
