There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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