My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
