tell your sister to shave her snatch
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
