Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
