Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
