I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
