I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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