hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
