Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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