Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
