He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
