Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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