Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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