my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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