I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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