It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
