Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
