I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
