Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
