You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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