Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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