Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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