For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
